Have you engaged with someone whose behaviors leave you feeling drained or bad about yourself? Does it seem that this person is often talking about themselves? Do you leave feeling like you were unheard? If any of this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
Let’s take a look at this age-old problem that is on the rise.
The term “narcissism” comes from Greek mythology, where a young, handsome man named Narcissus gazed into a pool of water and fell in love with his reflection. Unable to look away, he ultimately died staring at himself. Flash-forward to this social-media filled world we are in, and it’s no wonder so many people are struggling. Gazing out has never been so easy.
Since 1980, psychiatrists have used the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” (NPD) to describe a condition in which individuals experience a deep sense of emptiness inside, hoping to find fulfillment but never quite reaching it, much like Narcissus gazing at his reflection. While the cause remains unknown, a combination of factors including genetics and environment seems to be at play.
NPD is estimated to affect between 1% to 6% of the population and is slightly more common in men. Research suggests narcissistic traits and possibly NPD may be more prevalent among those in positions of power, so encountering it more often in places like Beverly Hills isn’t surprising.
Social media has contributed to the rise of narcissistic tendencies. By constantly looking at curated images of seemingly perfect lives, many feel less than or inadequate. When such feelings occur frequently during important developmental phases like adolescence, they can hinder growth, leading to excessive anxiety, depression, and personality disorders. The constant social comparison can also lead to emotional numbing and an inability to develop empathy for others.
As we discussed previously, seeking external validation is a normal part of development, but as you mature, the goal is to learn to rely more on internal validation as you build your values and moral compass. Self-love and self-direction free us from excessive reliance on others’ opinions. Failure to do so can leave you trapped in the cycle of seeking excessive validation then feeling deflated when you don’t receive it.
Identifying a narcissist can be challenging at first because they can be very seductive. They are used to drawing people in. External validation is like oxygen to them. It is best to learn the telltale signs and protect yourself, as engaging with narcissists can be painful. If you are fueling their self-esteem, they may be reluctant to let you go. As you read these traits, don’t worry if you recognize a bit of yourself in some of them. NPD only occurs when there is a maladaptive and pervasive pattern of these behaviors, and they interfere with your ability to function in a healthy manner.
Here are some red flags:
1. A Charming Start
Narcissists often have a magnetic charm. They know how to flatter, compliment, and make you feel special. They may be the “life of the party,” but behind closed doors another version emerges. We have heard of “love bombing,” when a date showers you with compliments or gifts early on. Remember the adage, “When something feels too good to be true, it probably is.”
2. Excessive Self-Promotion
Narcissists tend to focus heavily on themselves, constantly seeking to prove their worth, share their achievements, or display their knowledge. While sharing successes is natural, narcissists often go overboard, making everything about themselves. For example, they might interrupt a conversation about your promotion to highlight their career accomplishments. Name-dropping is another way narcissists may try to show off their importance.
3. Self-Referential Thinking
Those with NPD lack empathy for others, as they are wrapped up in their own feelings. They struggle to listen or care about your experiences, often redirecting conversations back to themselves. You might notice them changing the subject when you discuss personal problems or showing little interest in your achievements. For example, you might enjoy sharing your joy from a trip, only to have them talk about their own travels.
4. Entitlement
Narcissists display an overinflated sense of entitlement. They expect special treatment, whether it’s prioritizing their needs, getting the best seat, or expecting others to handle their tasks. When they don’t receive it, their self-esteem may suffer, and they often lash out.
5. Reacting Explosively
Narcissists may react disproportionately to feedback, criticism or challenges. Their fragile sense of themselves can easily get deflated. This leads them to defensiveness, anger, or dismissiveness, usually directed toward the person who triggered their uncomfortable feelings. This might manifest as an outburst or the silent treatment.
Protecting Your Emotional Well-Being
If you find yourself dealing with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits, consider these steps:
1. Don’t Take It Personally
Remember that a narcissist’s behavior stems from their deep-seated insecurities. Their reactions are more about their internal struggles than about you.
2. Communicate Calmly and Clearly
When engaging, use calm, assertive “I” statements. Avoid blame or criticism, which can trigger defensiveness. Instead, express your feelings honestly and respectfully. For example, “I am sorry you are disappointed in the hotel room. Let me see if I can do anything to improve the situation.”
3. Set Firm Boundaries
Clearly define your limits and enforce them calmly but assertively. If they try to overstep, politely but firmly state your boundaries, like, “I’m not comfortable doing that, but I can help with this instead.” Consistency is key here.
4. Evaluate the Relationship
Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist in personal or professional contexts can be exhausting. It’s vital to assess whether the dynamic is healthy by checking in with your own feelings. If a relationship is depleting you or makes you feel uncomfortable, consider ways you can improve it or step back. You are responsible for your emotional health and are entitled to make adjustments to protect your well-being and happiness.
5. Seek Support
Many books and podcasts deal with these issues as narcissism is on the rise. Don’t hesitate to talk to a mentor or therapist. Professional guidance can help you develop strategies to cope with or leave a challenging situation.
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies early allows you to take proactive steps to protect your well-being. Understanding the difference between occasional narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder empowers you to navigate interactions more effectively. Remember, your emotional health and self-respect are worth safeguarding, and you deserve relationships grounded in respect, understanding, and balance.
“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. Protect your boundaries and remember, you deserve relationships that respect and uplift you.”
—Dr. Brené Brown
Beverly Hills Courier columnist Dr. Eva Ritvo is a psychiatrist with more than 30 years’ experience practicing in Miami Beach. She is the author of “Bekindr-The Transformative Power of Kindness” and the founder of the Bekindr Global Initiative, a movement to bring more kindness in the world. She is the co-author of “The Beauty Prescription” and “The Concise Guide to Marriage and Family Therapy.” She is also the co-founder of the Bold Beauty Project, a nonprofit that pairs women with disabilities with award-winning photographers creating art exhibitions to raise awareness. Dr. Ritvo received her undergraduate and medical degrees from UCLA, and psychiatry residency training at Weill Cornell Medicine.
