“How are you?” This simple question is becoming increasingly complicated. How do you answer when the world feels like a rollercoaster of extremes—tragedies strike, and moments of joy seem fleeting or even contradictory to the suffering of others? As this year unfolds, we’ve witnessed a mix of heartache, from wildfires to political change, while also experiencing uplifting moments like the Grammys, FireAid, and the Super Bowl. In this emotional climate, how do we protect our well-being while remaining sensitive to the struggles of others?
When global disasters strike close to home, it’s even more challenging. We want to be thoughtful when so many of our neighbors are without homes, neighborhoods or loved ones. At the same time, it’s important to allow ourselves to experience positive emotions when our own lives are going well. Understanding the difference between sympathy and empathy—and practicing each appropriately—can help us maintain joy while helping those in need.
Sympathy is, according to Merriam-Webster, “the feeling that you care about and are sorry about someone else’s trouble, grief or misfortune.” It’s a recognition of another’s pain but doesn’t necessarily invite deeper emotional involvement. For example, sending a sympathy card or making a financial donation is a kind act while maintaining emotional distance. Your investment may be minimal, yet the recipient will likely feel supported.
Empathy, however, goes further. It’s “the ability to understand and share another person’s experience and emotions.” Empathy involves stepping into someone else’s shoes and feeling their pain, which creates a deeper connection. It allows the receiver to share their feelings in a safe space, promoting healing. Dr. Gabor Maté says, “Trauma is what happens inside a person in the absence of an empathic witness.”
Mirror neurons play a vital role in how we connect emotionally. These neurons allow us to understand and feel the emotions of others by mirroring their experiences in our own brains. Essentially, when someone experiences joy, sorrow or pain, our mirror neurons help us feel those same emotions, fostering empathy and connection. This biological mechanism explains why we feel a sense of shared joy or sorrow when witnessing others’ experiences. Experience and intention shape the number of mirror neurons in our brains, affecting how in tune we are with others.
When we express sympathy, our mirror neurons may remain dormant. While sympathy can suffice in more casual relationships or in response to distant tragedies, empathy is essential for deeper human connections. But practicing empathy requires emotional resilience and healthy boundaries—without which we risk burnout. Offering empathy can feel draining, and it’s important to maintain boundaries. When many people are suffering simultaneously, as with wildfires, empathy can quickly become overwhelming, leading to counterproductive responses like survivor’s guilt.
For those whose lives were close to crisis but spared, survivor’s guilt can creep in. “Why wasn’t I stricken? Why were they?” These questions reflect a natural desire to find meaning and order in times of chaos. Survivor’s guilt is often experienced in the first month or two after a tragedy and typically resolves on its own. If it lingers or disrupts functioning, professional help may be needed. Survivor’s guilt can be reframed as an opportunity for gratitude and giving back. Instead of being paralyzed by guilt, we can channel that energy into meaningful action—volunteering, donating or offering a listening ear. When we actively give, we feel good, creating a “helper’s high” or a “giver’s gain.”
It’s not just OK to feel joy during difficult times—it’s essential. Joy doesn’t diminish the significance of the world’s pain; it offers balance, resilience and the emotional resources necessary to help others. Experiencing joy isn’t about ignoring suffering; it’s about finding moments of light amidst the darkness, helping us be better equipped to support others in need.
When we allow ourselves moments of happiness—whether through a heartfelt conversation, an inspiring show, or a joyful dinner with friends—we replenish our emotional reserves. This renewal strengthens us, allowing us to face adversity with greater clarity and purpose. Joy doesn’t have to be fleeting; it can be anchored.
Anchoring joy means intentionally choosing to hold onto good moments, to let joy root in us even when the storm rages outside. It’s about creating practices or habits that help us return to joy when we need it most—whether that’s through rituals, mindfulness or simply remembering what we are grateful for. The act of anchoring joy helps us emotionally recharge, enabling us to give and give often, staying present for both ourselves and those around us.
Resilience lies in embracing the full spectrum of human emotions—joy and sorrow alike. It’s possible to hold grief in one hand and hope in the other without invalidating either emotion. By acknowledging this duality, we honor our humanity and foster deeper connections with others. Joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive; they coexist as part of the human experience—the yin and yang of emotions.
It’s important to recharge your emotional battery, whether you’re in a stressful situation or simply supporting someone in one. That way, you can give and give often, remaining emotionally strong for both you and others. Recognizing when you’re approaching emotional burnout and taking steps to recharge—whether through self-care, healthy boundaries or mindfulness—helps you stay equipped to offer support and empathy without exhausting yourself.
Experiencing a full range of emotions is key to living an optimal life. When we get stuck in an emotional state, disease can set in—depression, mania, prolonged grief or post-traumatic stress disorder. While we can’t always control the emotions we experience, we can regulate how we respond to them. The first step is awareness—recognizing our feelings as they arise. Mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or journaling help us gain perspective and choose how to act, rather than reacting impulsively.
So, when faced with the question, “How are you?” consider responding with depth, allowing your answer to reflect emotional complexity. Sharing both your struggles and moments of joy builds authenticity and connection. Then, turn to your neighbor, friend or family member and genuinely ask them, “How are you?” Listening with an open heart allows a unique opportunity for both of you.
“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”
— Dalai Lama
