A funny thing happened the other day. I sent two versions of an article I was writing to my smart colleagues. One wrote back, “I like the first better,” and the other said, “The second one is great.” This is a perfect example of why it’s so tricky to rely on external validation; the topic of today’s article.
“External validation” in psychology refers to the process of seeking approval, affirmation or recognition from others—to confirm one’s self-worth, feelings or beliefs. These external affirmations can boost our self-esteem and make us feel connected and accepted. Have you noticed that even ChatGPT has been trained to externally validate us?
“Internal validation” is the flip side of the coin. It’s the ability to see our own worth without needing others to tell us. It’s the feeling you get when you finish an article and say inside. “I like it. This is the one.” Developing internal validation is a lifelong process. It is like cultivating a deep, unwavering love for ourselves—rooted in self-awareness, self-compassion and self-trust.
Throughout life and on most days, we toggle between our innate need and desire for external validation and our developing ability to internally validate.
Children learn by seeking approval which works well when life is simple. As babies and young children, caregivers are your whole world. Your feeling of hunger is remedied when you are fed. You feel cranky, and someone puts you to bed. As you grow, their approval, smiles, and their hugs help you learn how to navigate your feelings and the world around you. When a parent says, “I’m proud of you,” it’s more than just praise—it’s a building block for your sense of identity. A child who hears “Good job!” after drawing a picture or tying their shoes experiences a burst of pride which motivates them to keep going. Children who receive consistent external validation learn to feel safe and confident and their development soars.
School-age children learn thorough external validation from a widening group of parental figures who serve as teachers, coaches and tutors. They will receive feedback in comments such as: “Yes, 2+2=4. Great job on the spelling test. Thank you for taking turns in class. Boy, you ran fast on the soccer field today.” These forms of external validation guide and motivate them. Kids given positive feedback will develop a healthy sense of themselves.
As we grow into teenagers, the landscape shifts. Rather than seeking the validation of parents and parental figures, teens may “rebel” against these values as a way to separate and create their own identity. My father, a wise child psychiatrist, said, “parents are like the dock, and teens shove against them to gain momentum to move into their own lives.”
Adolescents start experimenting with different identities, trying on different “selves” to see what fits. They seek the opinions of friends and peers as the main source of external validation. Their sense of worth often depends on whether they’re part of the group, get enough likes or feel accepted by their peers. Think about how much time teenagers spend checking their social media accounts—seeking likes, comments and validation from followers. It can feel crushing to a teenager to be disliked by someone or have a friendship or dating relationship end.
Teenagers are also developing their ability to internally validate and soothe themselves rather than coming to parents/adults for comfort. They are gaining an internal awareness of who they are and what matters to them.
This time of life can be confusing, balancing the desire for external recognition from peers with the need to develop inner confidence. The key is that adolescence is a transitional period, a time when both types of validation are influential.
As we move into adulthood, life becomes more about finding your own values and working to create a life that is right for you. Issues become complex and often there is no “right or wrong” answer. Where to live, what career path to pursue, to have children or not? These are questions that only you can answer and your internal feeling must become your guide.
Gradually, we learn to acknowledge and accept our own feelings. “That feels right to me and that doesn’t feel right to me” can become your guiding light. You develop your own internal compass. Learning to love your choices, celebrating your strengths, valuing mistakes as opportunities for growth and trusting your own judgment are signs of maturity. By consciously affirming your value, recognizing your achievements, and practicing self-compassion, you gradually shift from seeking approval outwardly to embracing yourself. Some call this “self -confidence or self-esteem.” Or, for music lovers, think of Frank Sinatra’s classic hit “I did it my way.”
Internal validation isn’t about ignoring others or denying the importance of social connections. Instead, it’s about fostering a healthy sense of yourself: appreciating recognition when it comes, but not relying on it to know who we are or to feel good about ourselves. If we fail to develop a healthy sense of ourselves, we end up with excessive narcissism, continually seeking external validation and in extreme cases, with narcissistic personality disorder. More on that next week.
Here are some practical ways to nurture internal validation:
– Practice mindfulness and self-awareness: Take time to notice your thoughts and feelings without self-judgment. When you catch yourself seeking approval excessively, gently remind yourself that your worth isn’t dictated by others. You already matter!
– Celebrate your strengths: Cultivate an internal sense of pride when things go well. Enjoy small victories and don’t postpone joy waiting for the big win. Recognize yourself in a meaningful way and don’t rely on others to acknowledge your success.
– Engage in self-compassion when “mistakes” or less than optimal outcomes occur: They are a valuable part of life and are inevitable. Speak to yourself as you would to a good friend. Forgive yourself. With time these incidents can become gifts and teach us valuable lessons.
– Keep a gratitude or affirmation journal: Write down things you love about yourself or moments when you felt proud of your actions.
– Set personal goals: Focus on what matters to you, not what others expect or value. Make them attainable. Review and update monthly.
-Be realistic: If you constantly find yourself falling short, reassess the bar you have set for yourself. We live in a hyper-driven society. Forget “keeping up with the Joneses.” Chart your own course.
-Be patient: Developing self-confidence is a lifelong journey with bumps along the way. “Progress, not perfection “is an empowering mantra.
– Limit social media use: Take breaks or set boundaries to prevent comparing yourself to the carefully curated and oftentimes unrealistic images.
– Seek real connections: Focus on authentic relationships based on mutual understanding and support, rather than superficial approval.
Over time and with practice, we can move away from our younger tendency to seek external validation and nurture our growing internal wisdom. While external validation will always play a role and give us brief moments of happiness, lasting fulfillment comes from loving yourself within.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
